Motel Hell (1980)

I do not believe that there is a more appropriate horror movie for BBQ season than Motel Hell, a classic cult film from the 80’s. Vincent Smith (Rory Calhoun) and his sister, Ida, (Nancy Parsons) run the Motel Hello. The establishment is an inn in the countryside that is also famous for its “Honest to goodness all natural” smoked meats. Could this meat be pork, cow, lamb, human flesh?

A man has got to make a living – Vincent does not victimize the tourists in his bates-like motel. Instead, he sets bear traps and various creative deploys along the country roads nearby his motel. His victims are planted in his garden with their vocal chords removed so that they cannot scream. They are fed gruel through a funnel until Vincent feels that they are ready to be harvested and turned into lunch.

Terry and her boyfriend Bo are riding near the motel when their motorcycle tires blow out due to one of Vincent’s booby traps. While Bo is planted, Vincent takes a shining to Terry. He tells her that her boyfriend has died, and that he buried him himself with a makeshift tombstone. Terry, thinking she has nowhere to go, stays at the farm, where Ida and Vincent take care of her. Both Vincent and his younger brother Bruce (a sheriff who is completely unaware of what happens on the farm) both pursue Terry. Bruce takes her to a kissing cliff where they can watch a drive in movie through binoculars and listen to it through his police car intercom. Ultimately, it is the old farmer that she falls for. He proposes to her and promises to teach her how to smoke and cure his meat.

Eventually, Bruce starts to get suspicious of the farm, as well as increasingly frustrated with Terry’s rejection. Ida also becomes extremely jealous when Vincent proposes to Terry. She attempts to drown the young bride-to-be. Eventually, the purpose of the farm becomes apparent when some of the victims somehow escape from the ground and seek revenge on Vincent and Ida.

The more popular victims of his farm include a rock band called “Ivan and the Terribles,” whose tour bus gets caught by bear-traps on the side of the road. They are all put to death by first being hypnotized and then having their necks snapped by ropes attached to a moving truck. You might spot one of your favourite “Cheers” characters, by the way, as a member of that band.

For such a lowbrow movie, the acting for the most part was extremely credible and well played, especially from the late Rory Calhoun. While his character was written full of clichés, Calhoun turned Farmer Vincent into a charming, creative murderer taking a cue from Jonathon Swift’s essay “A Modest Proposal.” Vincent actually believes that he is doing the world a favor by creating natural meats from a renewable source. He takes care of overpopulation and world hunger at the same time. “It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters” justifies his use of eclectic meats.

This movie truly embodies everything that is great about cinema. There is a family love triangle, murder, mayhem, beef, brief female nudity… Also, its inspirations appear to come from a literary classic and the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” It is not really a scary movie per se, but it is definitely creepy and entertaining. The movie stuck with me from the first time I saw it in second grade until I was finally able to find the DVD release recently. There is one frightening moment (if you don’t count a tacky drive-in movie date scene). That is when Vincent makes his confession during his violent death that he “used preservatives.” The FDA would have a fit!

That Labor Day BBQ just all of a sudden got less tasty, eh? I will see you at the veggie tray.